Ablogalypse Now

What I Did On My Summer Vacation, by "Smilin'" Bob Novak

   

O'Reilly's Bizarre Behavior Explained

Conservative pundit Bill O’Reilly embarrassed himself and his supporters yet again this week, and the latest word from the rumor mill is that his increasingly paranoid public outbursts over Christmas are linked to a bad acid trip that has left the pugnacious O’Reilly a shell of his former self.

FubarNews has learned that O’Reilly has been the unfortunate, but understandably justified, object of a drug-laced practical joke carried out in retaliation for a series of humiliating acts inflicted by O'Reilly over the past several months.

Speaking to FN on condition they remain anonymous, fellow conservative pundits Bob Novak, Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh said in no uncertain terms that O’Reilly has “had it coming“ for a long time.

“Revenge is a dish that’s best served cold,” Coulter said. “And it’s high time that shamrock-loving piece of shit started fucking eating.”

Coulter said the three of them attended a wild party at O’Reilly’s Boston estate in the fall of last year to celebrate President Bush’s re-election.

According to Rush Limbaugh, the three were caught off-guard after having had too much to drink and became the unfortunate target of O’Reilly’s long-time penchant for raw cruelty and drunken mischief.

“I honestly don’t know what the fuck happened…it must have been all that goddamned Bushmill’s we drank…” Limbaugh sighed wistfully. “One minute, everything was going great. Me, Bob, and Bill were laying down a mean “Ballad of the Green Berets” on the karaoke, and Ann was just about to show us how she can run a hose down her throat and siphon the acid and half-digested food and shit out of her stomach like that dude in the Jim Rose Circus Sideshow…that’s the last thing I remember, things pretty much went black after that…”

According to Limbaugh, after polishing off a case of Irish whiskey, and the lion’s share of a vile Ecstasy and Oxycontin- laced Everclear fruit punch served in a sawed-off 55-gallon drum, Limbaugh, Coulter, And Novak apparently passed out at some point.

The three later awoke to find themselves stripped naked and duct-taped together in a graphic recreation of one of the infamous human pyramid photos from Abu Ghraib.

“Do you have any fucking idea what it’s like to wake up with a raging Everclear hangover AND Bob Novak’s asscheeks taped to your face?” Coulter hissed, her eyes narrowing to slits. “I’ll never forget that for the rest of my fucking life…can you believe that sick, treacherous potato-sucking bastard O’Reilly actually took pictures of us like that?”

In the months that followed, they say O’Reilly blackmailed each of them to the tune of a million dollars a month, and subjected them to further bizarre humiliations meted out according to his perverse whim.

“He likes to send me stuff - like one of his books, or a favorite necktie - have me pee on it, and send it back to him,” Coulter whispered. “But that’s not the worst of it – he keeps making me, Bob and Rush act out the Gimp scene from “Pulp Fiction” on camera over and over and over again. We used to switch roles to keep things interesting, but then Rush started insisting on being the Gimp every time…that’s when me and Bob decided we’d had enough.”

Lured one night by the promise of free liquor, and a chance to bludgeon a crippled homeless man to death with a baseball bat, O’Reilly showed up at Coulter’s secret seaside mansion in California - a lavish estate modeled after the castle of 16^th-17^th Century Hungarian Countess Elizabeth Bathory – who some believed used to drink and bath in the blood of virgins to preserve her youth.

There, O’Reilly was quickly subdued with a Taser, shackled, and strapped to a wheeled gurney much like the ones being used at Guantanamo Bay to ferry suspected al-Qaeda militants to and from their interrogation sessions.

Similar to Malcolm McDowell’s fate in “A Clockwork Orange” – O’Reilly was then given a brain-jarring psychedelic cocktail comprised of LSD-25, peyote, datura root, several species of hallucinogenic mushrooms, and a paralyzing neurotoxin derived from the Japanese Fugu fish before having his eyes propped open and forced to watch, “The Exorcist”, “The Wall”, “Jacob’s Ladder”, the entire “Left Behind” series, and curiously enough, “Jingle All the Way” with Arnold Schwarzenegger, all in a row.

“We made him watch all those movies all the way through once, and got about halfway through a second time when the spineless little fucker finally snapped,” Novak chuckled wickedly. “At that point, just for fun, we hit him with few cc’s of a powerful laxative they normally only use on elephants and rhinoceroses…is that right? Rhinoceroses? Or is it rhinoceri? Wait a minute, I’m a journalist, I should know this. Oh, fuck it. All you need to know is that meat pie eating sonofabitch is gonna have to wear diapers for at least 2-3 weeks, probably longer.”

The end result of all this, his colleagues say, has been O’Reilly’s humiliating public descent into a classic, jabbering, bad acid trip psychosis to the point where he now believes he has been chosen by God to save Christmas from, “terrorists, secularists and other evildoers.”

“Have you seen him on TV lately?” Coulter laughed. “It’s pathetic. He’s all, ‘I’m gonna take ‘em down…I’m gonna take ‘em down…They’re trying to kill Christmas…Blah, blah, blah’…He sounds like Rod Steiger in “Mars Attacks” – he’s all screaming and shit while they shrink his ass and stomp him to death…all that AND he’s lost all bowel control for the next month? It’s fucking priceless. By the time we’re done with him, he’s gonna wish he was dead.”

More on this story as it develops.

FubarNewsflash: Cheney Cheats Death By Eating Puppies!

WASHINGTON (FubarNews) - Vice President Dick Cheney was brought out of suspended animation again yesterday and attempted to polish the increasingly foul and runny turd that is the Bush Administration and all of its crooked machinations.

A combative and visibly energized Cheney hit back hard at critics who’ve said that Cheney & Bush lied their asses off to justify the war with Iraq.

Cheney’s dapper, bowtie-clad appearance was a noticeable departure from previous public speeches where he seemed pallid, splotchy and almost corpse-like.

Anonymous White House staffers attribute Cheney’s renewed vigor to the Vice President’s new and cruelly disgusting health regimen.

“Nobody would believe it, or would even want to believe it, if they knew the truth about Vice President Cheney,” said one staffer who pleaded with FubarNews to remain anonymous. “You don’t understand, he’s not even human anymore, not since his last operation.”

The obviously terrified young Republican said that Cheney underwent a top-secret medical procedure earlier this year to extend his life far beyond that of the average human.

“Haven’t you noticed that something isn’t right with him? Don’t you people ever ask any questions?” he whispered. “Oh, my bad…I forgot you were with the White House Press Corps.”

“He eats puppies now, you know,” he said, eyes darting nervously about the room. “I swear on my mother’s grave I’ve seen him do it with my own eyes, he unhinges his lower jaw like a snake and swallows the little fuckers whole.”

FubarNews has since contacted the ASPCA. Look for charges of gross animal cruelty to be added to the list of Cheney’s misdeeds currently under investigation.

More on this story as it develops.

Fubar NewsFlash: Cheney Goes On the Lam

WASHINGTON (Fubar News) - With the threat of a possible indictment looming over his head, Vice President Dick Cheney has reportedly commandeered a weapons-capable presidential limousine and is leading local authorities on a high-speed chase out of town.

Witnesses say that Cheney appeared to have been drinking and was openly brandishing Saddam Hussein’s much-prized sidearm that was presented to President Bush after Hussein’s capture last year.

Unbeknownst to many, this is not the first time Cheney has exhibited such unpredictably volatile behavior.

Authorities say that the Vice President is extremely dangerous and is to be avoided at all costs. 

More on this story as it develops.

Tom DeLay's Real Mugshot

AUSTIN, Texas (Fubar News) - Using a new, high-tech camera that captures an image of what the subject is thinking, Texas authorities today released this image of former House majority leader Tom DeLay that was taken this past Thursday.

Confirm Harriet!!!!

Seeing as how my friends in Nigeria seem to have finally caught on to my little ruse, I decided to have a little fun by other means and just sent Harriet Miers my way cool idea for a confirmation poster that's sure to get out the vote. There's some other pretty good ones on her blog but I think mine stands a pretty good chance of winning the contest because of the whole Halloween theme. Wish me luck, people...

Bono: Limbaugh Needs New Blow-Up Sex Doll

Responding to recent allegations of infidelity leveled against him by Rush Limbaugh, a visibly irate Bono released the following statement.

“It’s quite obvious that Limbaugh has descended into a painfully humiliating form of senile dementia brought on by his longtime addiction to Oxycontin and other prescription drugs. Rumor has it that his anal cysts have returned with a vengeance and his entire body has erupted in a hideous rash of stringwarts and bleeding, pox-like pustules…he lost total control of his bowels years ago and now pisses and shits himself with such embarrassing frequency that nobody is willing to work, or even be seen in public with him anymore….not even Zell Miller is returning his calls …If the man wasn’t a menace before, he surely is now and should be banned from the airwaves as soon as possible….despite all this, I still feel a tad sorry for this miserable beast and humbly implore his legions of devoted, albeit witless, followers to pitch in and buy their beloved leader something to cheer him up, like a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20, a big bucket of KFC, and a brand new blow-up doll he can seduce and spend time with. I mean come on, the guy seriously needs to get laid…but since he obviously couldn’t get lucky if he strolled through a women’s only rehab clinic with a fist-sized rock of cocaine around his neck, I figure a blow-up fuck doll is about as good as it’s going to get for him.”

Dubya Lends A Helping Hand

WASHINGTON (FubarNews) - Still reeling from his administration’s painfully humiliating post-Katrina public relations fiasco, earlier today a visibly shamed and broken President Bush tried in vain to forget his problems by lending a hand to the restoration of Trent Lott’s lavish gulf coast estate.

“Out of the wreckage of Trent's old house will rise a newer, betterer house.” Bush said, wiping a tear from his eye. “Make no mistake...with God as my witness, we ARE going to rebuild this house, and me and Trent ARE gonna be doing Jell-O shots and puking our guts out off this back porch by Superbowl Sunday, or I will personally show up on “Fear Factor” to have Hillary Clinton, Helen Thomas AND Nancy Pelosi give me a lapdance while I eat a pair of Ted Kennedy’s underwear.”

DC Officials Plan "Victims of Communism" Memorial

The AP has reported that preliminary approval has been given for a public memorial in our nation's capitol that honors those who died at the hands of tyrannical communist regimes. The memorial will include a statue modeled after the one erected in 1989 by Chinese students in Tiananmen Square just before the U.S. and the rest of the world sat back and watched them all get mowed down on CNN.

And on a related note, FubarNews has reported that a similar memorial is being planned that will honor the "Victims of Bushism", only this one will be located directly adjacent to the Supreme Court, as opposed to the Capitol.

The "Victims of Bushism" memorial will include a giant, interactive map of the planet, as well as a stone memorial that will be inscribed as follows:

BUSH V. GORE/5-4

DECEMBER 11, 2000

"Although we may never know with complete certainty the identity of the winner of this year's Presidential election, the identity of the loser is perfectly clear. It is the Nation's confidence in the judge as an impartial guardian of the rule of law." - Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens

Being Harriet Miers

Check out her blog and discover what it's like inside the mind of a potential Supreme Court justice.