dream 12.2.07

a vacant dirt lot and a pile of junk that needed to be cleared from it. me worried about getting my clothes dirty because i hadn't planned to be there for more than a day and i had nothing else to wear. i was dressed up for some kind of a high school reunion and didn't want to trash the only set of clothes i had. thoughts of who i would see there that would still be single. my dad was in the dream too in some way. something having to do with cell phones. him complaining about the shitty service and how expensive they were. i don't recall who i was was working with (maybe my dad?), but we uncovered a large rattlesnake while clearing the lot and it followed us as we slowly tried to back away from it. it followed us and blocked the way out, refusing to be ignored - perhaps a symbol of something that had to be dealt with. me and at least one other grown man, paralyzed with fear, thinking the snake would strike at any moment, and the fearless young boy who suddenly appeared with a weapon of some sort, a machete perhaps, and moved in for the kill...

bizarre, what to make of it, if anything?  the need for some kind of inner yardwork? the dangers of what might be uncovered? the folly of worrying about appearances? the boldness of youth?

maybe....or then again, maybe it was just the melatonin talking...

and yet he remained

no winter fire for barren hearth
no warming sun for frozen earth
no summer breeze for ragged sails
no soothing cure for a heart's travail

no new love to replace the old
no spirit pyre to fight the cold
no fresh hope of a new day dawning
no way to end his incessant longing

the seasons changed,
his life rearranged,
from friends estranged,
and yet he remained -

waiting for a nameless vision
waiting for a grand transition
waiting for his heart to mend
waiting for the world to end

...::cdp2007::...

mi corazon y el rillito

like life -
it goes on
one cuts through the heart of the city,
the other just cuts through the heart

sometimes it's a flood,
sometimes a trickle,
and other times seemingly dry as a bone

but the water is always there
sometimes you've just got to dirty your hands
and dig deep beneath the surface to reach it

the captive muse

not until i have:
more money
more time
  more space
   more ideas
    more focus
     more clarity
      more support
       more courage
more love

and:
less clutter
less distraction
  less stress
   less self-doubt
    less anxiety
     less pain
less fear

- always more of this,
or less of that...

excuses, all...

crippled, bound and gagged,
my muse stares at me

watching and waiting,
with eyes that say,

"if not now, when?"

the ship of death

the ship of death
by d.h. lawrence
===========================
Now it is autumn and the failing fruit
and the long journey towards oblivion.

The apples falling like great drops of dew
to bruise themselves and exit from themselves.

and it is time to go, to bid farewell
to one's own self, and find an exit
from the fallen self.

Have you built your ship of death, O have you?
O build your ship of death, for you will need it.

The grim frost is at hand, when the apples will fall
thick, almost thundrous, on the hardened earth.

And death is on the air like a smell of ashes!
Ah! can't you smell it?

And in the bruised body, the frightened soul
finds itself shrinking, wincing from the cold
that blows upon it through the orifices.

And can a man his own quietus make
with a bare bodkin?

With daggers, bodkins,bullets,man can make
a bruise or break for exit for his life;
but is that a quietus, O tell me, is it quietus?

Surely not so! for how could murder, even self-murder
ever a quietus make?

O let us talk of quiet that we know,
that we can know, the deep and lovely quiet
of a strong heart at peace!

How can we this, our own quietus make?

Build then the ship of death, for you must take
the longest journey , to oblivion.

And die the death, the long and painful death
that lies between the old self and the new.

Already our bodies are fallen, bruised, badly bruised,
already our souls are oozing through the exit
of the cruel bruise.

Already the dark and endless ocean of the end
is washing in through the breachers of our wounds,
already the flood is upon us.

Oh build your ship of death, your little ark
and furnish it with food, with little cakes and wine
for the dark flight down oblivion.

Piecemeal the body dies, and the timid soul
has her footing washed away, as the dark flood rises.

We are dying, we are dying, we are all of us dying
and nothing will stay the death-flood rising within us
and soon it will rise on the world, on the outside world.

We are dying, we are dying, piecemeal our bodies are dying
and our strength leave us,
and our souls cower naked in the dark rain over the flood,
cowering in the last branches of the tree of our life.

We are dying, we are dying, so all we can do
is now to be willing to die, and to build the ship
of death to carry the soul on the longest journey.

A little ship, with oars and food
and little dishes, and all accouterments
fitting and ready for the departing soul.

Now launch the small ship, now as the body dies
and life departs, launch out, the fragile soul
in the fragile ship of courage, the ark of faith
with its store of food and little cooking pans
and change of clothes,
upon the flood's back waste
upon the waters of the end
upon the sea of death, where still we sail
darkly, for we cannot steer, and have no port.

there is no port, there is nowhere to go
only the deepening blackness darkening still
blacker upon the soundless, ungurgling flood
darkness at one with darkness, up and down
and sideways utterly dark, so there is no direction anymore
She is not seen, for there is nothing to see her by.
She is gone! gone! and yet
somewhere she is there.
Nowhere!

And everything is gone, the body is gone
completely under, gone, entirely gone.
the upper darkness is heavy as the lower,
between them the little ship
is gone.

It is the end, it is oblivion.

And yet out of eternity a thread
separates itself on the blackness,
a horizontal thread
that fumes a little with pallor upon the dark.

Is it illusion? or does the pallor fume
A little higher?
Ah wait, wait, for there's the dawn,
the cruel dawn of coming back to life
out of oblivion

Wait, wait, the little ship
drifting, beneath the deathly ashy gray
of a flood-dawn.

Wait, wait! even so, a flush of yellow
and strangely, O chilled wan soul, a flush of rose.

A flush of rose, and the whole thing starts again.

The flood subsides, and the body, like a worn sea-shell
emerges strange and lovely.
And the little ship wings home, faltering and lapsing
on the pink flood,
and the frail soul steps out, into her house again
filling the heart with peace.

Swings the heart renewed with peace
even of oblivion

Oh build your ship of death, oh build it!
for you will need it.
For the voyage of oblivion awaits you.

still feeling the sting...

the scorpions...live at ava....09.18.07

i'll be there tonight,
when the smoke is going down.
back to the place
where memories abound

of songs we sang
so long ago
the soundtrack to
our secret show

of animal magnetism,
and love at first sting.
of youthful romance,
and other bittersweet things

the impermanence
of love and life
and dreams that one day
you'd be my wife

and though i know
you won't be there
i'll still look for you
in the cool night air

and when they play that song,
you know the one.
that sad lament
of a heart undone.

i'll try not to cry,
but this much is true.
i'll be there tonight -


still loving you.

of dreams and dust...

i still see you in my dreams, you know...
mostly in the distance...
sometimes with the dogs...
sometimes alone...
but you always seem happy...
and somewhat aloof...

and i always feel like
i'm on the outside looking in...
trying to tear or punch a hole
in the invisible wall that separates us
and find some way to reach you again..

tears flow, words are said...
and sometimes we embrace...
and sometimes it even feels
just a little like it did..
in the days when it seemed
that all the stars in the night sky
shone for us and us alone...

and the apologies..
always the apologies...
tumbling, like chunks of broken glass
from torn and bloodied lips...

apologies...
screamed, spoken and whispered...
on broken, bended knee...
in all the tongues of man...
known and unknown...
languages my waking mind
has no knowledge of

apologies...
falling from my lips like
dry scraps of yellowed paper
that hang suspended in the air
just long enough for me to read the words
before they turn to dust...
and fall to the ground beneath my feet...

i still see you in my dreams, you know...
mostly in the distance...

and you always seem happy.

El_topo_365_3 

castaways

just as surely as the tongue
seeks out the aching tooth
i walk this land of fire and ice
still searching for the truth

some wiser, better part of us
must have suspected all along
that nothing good could ever come
from something so very wrong

as we sailed a sea of madness
on a flimsy raft of lies,
did this wiser, better part of us
keep us blind to stormy skies?

and as our doom unfolded
kept us oblivious to the fact
that in the story we'd created
this was the final act

dashed upon the rocks
and finally hurled into the sea
torn apart forever
this is how it had to be

to live fully in the present
and leave the past behind
we had to kill the dream
of a life we'd never find

..::cdp2007::..

under my skin

a belly full of broken glass
a railroad spike straight through my head
veins that bleed black acid blood
a haunted mind consumed by dread

you're the bloody lash that shreds my skin
the icy kiss that chills my soul
the gaze that haunts me in my dreams
with eyes as black as coal

you're the poison air that fills my lungs
each time i draw a breath
the siren song that splits my ears
and makes me yearn for death

my bones encased in sheaths of ice
a razor wire noose around my heart
mistress of sin, you're still under my skin
where you've been right from the start

...:::cdp2007:::...

a relic's lament

what of love remains
for a relic such as i?
out of synch with the world around me,
it seems that time has passed me by

although i mostly feel the same
as i did when the world was new,
those endless possibilities
have now dwindled to but a few

a knowing look, a telling glance
both so common in my youth
have all but disappeared
like so much withered fruit

all those wasted years
and countless squandered tears
have finally caught up with me
along with my darkest fears

of growing old alone -
my heart as cold as stone
counting the days till i become
a nameless pile of dust and bone

...::cdp2007::...

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