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AUSTIN, Texas (Fubar News) - Using a new, high-tech camera that captures an image of what the subject is thinking, Texas authorities today released this image of former House majority leader Tom DeLay that was taken this past Thursday.
Seeing as how my friends in Nigeria seem to have finally caught on to my little ruse, I decided to have a little fun by other means and just sent Harriet Miers my way cool idea for a confirmation poster that's sure to get out the vote. There's some other pretty good ones on her blog but I think mine stands a pretty good chance of winning the contest because of the whole Halloween theme. Wish me luck, people...
Responding to recent allegations of infidelity leveled against him by Rush Limbaugh, a visibly irate Bono released the following statement.
“It’s quite obvious that Limbaugh has descended into a painfully humiliating form of senile dementia brought on by his longtime addiction to Oxycontin and other prescription drugs. Rumor has it that his anal cysts have returned with a vengeance and his entire body has erupted in a hideous rash of stringwarts and bleeding, pox-like pustules…he lost total control of his bowels years ago and now pisses and shits himself with such embarrassing frequency that nobody is willing to work, or even be seen in public with him anymore….not even Zell Miller is returning his calls …If the man wasn’t a menace before, he surely is now and should be banned from the airwaves as soon as possible….despite all this, I still feel a tad sorry for this miserable beast and humbly implore his legions of devoted, albeit witless, followers to pitch in and buy their beloved leader something to cheer him up, like a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20, a big bucket of KFC, and a brand new blow-up doll he can seduce and spend time with. I mean come on, the guy seriously needs to get laid…but since he obviously couldn’t get lucky if he strolled through a women’s only rehab clinic with a fist-sized rock of cocaine around his neck, I figure a blow-up fuck doll is about as good as it’s going to get for him.”
WASHINGTON (FubarNews) - Still reeling from his administration’s painfully humiliating post-Katrina public relations fiasco, earlier today a visibly shamed and broken President Bush tried in vain to forget his problems by lending a hand to the restoration of Trent Lott’s lavish gulf coast estate.
“Out of the wreckage of Trent's old house will rise a newer, betterer house.” Bush said, wiping a tear from his eye. “Make no mistake...with God as my witness, we ARE going to rebuild this house, and me and Trent ARE gonna be doing Jell-O shots and puking our guts out off this back porch by Superbowl Sunday, or I will personally show up on “Fear Factor” to have Hillary Clinton, Helen Thomas AND Nancy Pelosi give me a lapdance while I eat a pair of Ted Kennedy’s underwear.”
Check out her blog and discover what it's like inside the mind of a potential Supreme Court justice.
That makes twice in one week that someone found my blog by Googling "kelly clarkson soundboard"...
No....you won't find a Kelly Clarkson soundboard here, if such a thing even exists...Jesus H. Christ, people! What the fuck are you listening to out there?
I'd just as soon post a link to an explosive diarrhea soundboard...
I never got into "Jackass", but always considered Steve-O to be somewhat more legit than all the other insufferable faux-lebrities that have been spawned by this society's ongoing and infinitely puzzling fascination with so-called reality television.
At any rate, as shown on Drunk Report, this clip of a drunken Steve-O terrorizing a hapless and bewildered Adam Corolla last night is fucking priceless.
WASHINGTON (Fubar News) - Newly confirmed Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts could scarcely contain his enthusiasm today after hearing that his first on-the-job case will bring him up close and personal with America’s favorite overmedicated sex kitten.
“Boy! I’m so glad those boring and utterly pointless confirmation 
hearings are over with, as if there was any doubt I was going to get approved…I’m like so ready to get down to business…after I talk Anna Nicole Smith into giving me a private lap dance and autographing my Collector’s Edition DVD of “Naked Gun 33 1/3”, that is.”” Roberts said.
Well, it's just about time for Halloween, and we all know what that means....aside from getting piss-drunk and scaring the shit out of the kids in your neighborhood by pretending to be meat-axe wielding lunatic, when that gets boring you can also torment the fuck out of your dog by dressing him/her up as your favorite Jedi master.
In yet another example of why the atheists just might be wrong, a Texas grand jury today indicted the loathsome former exterminator and self-righteous theo-fascist, thereby forcing him to temporarily relinquish his position as House majority leader.
A top-ranking member of the House janitorial committee who wished to remain anonymous reportedly expressed relief over the news of Delay's indictment saying, "That miserable fucking bastard was greasier, slimier and more disgusting than a 50-pound loogie drenched in used cooking oil...it was so bad that nobody would sit anywhere near him unless he bribed them with free booze and hookers...thank God, at least now we can all breathe easy around here, and even better...we won't have to steam clean and fumigate his fucking office and every other thing he contaminated with his vile presence every goddamned day for entirely too fucking long..."
So long, Tom...and don't let the door hit ya' where the good lord split ya'...
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