Ablogalypse Now

Anne Coulter's vitriol explained

Bush Attacked By Severed Hand

WASHINGTON (FubarNews) - President Bush was visibly stunned earlier today after being caught off guard by a severed human hand that attempted to gouge out his eyes and somehow managed to elude his security detail. The Secret Service is asking anyone with any information about the hand to step forward in the interest of national security.

O'Reilly's Vast, Anti-Christmas Conspiracy

Proudly display your status as one of the countless anti-Christmas heathens that is, according to journalistic sage Bill O'Reilly, currently dragging our nation into the toilet.

Shirts feature the caption: "Part of O'Reilly's Vast, Anti-Christmas Conspiracy" alongside a stylized, burning Christmas tree design.

Shirts priced as low as $13.99 avaliable now, maybe even in time for your next holiday party!

Jesus Just Left Chicago

Having recently found Jesus on mySpace, I was inspired to create this design. Well, he actually emailed me and told me to do it. There are shirts and other stuff available with it at Gusano Loco.

What I Did On My Summer Vacation, by "Smilin'" Bob Novak

   

O'Reilly's Bizarre Behavior Explained

Conservative pundit Bill O’Reilly embarrassed himself and his supporters yet again this week, and the latest word from the rumor mill is that his increasingly paranoid public outbursts over Christmas are linked to a bad acid trip that has left the pugnacious O’Reilly a shell of his former self.

FubarNews has learned that O’Reilly has been the unfortunate, but understandably justified, object of a drug-laced practical joke carried out in retaliation for a series of humiliating acts inflicted by O'Reilly over the past several months.

Speaking to FN on condition they remain anonymous, fellow conservative pundits Bob Novak, Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh said in no uncertain terms that O’Reilly has “had it coming“ for a long time.

“Revenge is a dish that’s best served cold,” Coulter said. “And it’s high time that shamrock-loving piece of shit started fucking eating.”

Coulter said the three of them attended a wild party at O’Reilly’s Boston estate in the fall of last year to celebrate President Bush’s re-election.

According to Rush Limbaugh, the three were caught off-guard after having had too much to drink and became the unfortunate target of O’Reilly’s long-time penchant for raw cruelty and drunken mischief.

“I honestly don’t know what the fuck happened…it must have been all that goddamned Bushmill’s we drank…” Limbaugh sighed wistfully. “One minute, everything was going great. Me, Bob, and Bill were laying down a mean “Ballad of the Green Berets” on the karaoke, and Ann was just about to show us how she can run a hose down her throat and siphon the acid and half-digested food and shit out of her stomach like that dude in the Jim Rose Circus Sideshow…that’s the last thing I remember, things pretty much went black after that…”

According to Limbaugh, after polishing off a case of Irish whiskey, and the lion’s share of a vile Ecstasy and Oxycontin- laced Everclear fruit punch served in a sawed-off 55-gallon drum, Limbaugh, Coulter, And Novak apparently passed out at some point.

The three later awoke to find themselves stripped naked and duct-taped together in a graphic recreation of one of the infamous human pyramid photos from Abu Ghraib.

“Do you have any fucking idea what it’s like to wake up with a raging Everclear hangover AND Bob Novak’s asscheeks taped to your face?” Coulter hissed, her eyes narrowing to slits. “I’ll never forget that for the rest of my fucking life…can you believe that sick, treacherous potato-sucking bastard O’Reilly actually took pictures of us like that?”

In the months that followed, they say O’Reilly blackmailed each of them to the tune of a million dollars a month, and subjected them to further bizarre humiliations meted out according to his perverse whim.

“He likes to send me stuff - like one of his books, or a favorite necktie - have me pee on it, and send it back to him,” Coulter whispered. “But that’s not the worst of it – he keeps making me, Bob and Rush act out the Gimp scene from “Pulp Fiction” on camera over and over and over again. We used to switch roles to keep things interesting, but then Rush started insisting on being the Gimp every time…that’s when me and Bob decided we’d had enough.”

Lured one night by the promise of free liquor, and a chance to bludgeon a crippled homeless man to death with a baseball bat, O’Reilly showed up at Coulter’s secret seaside mansion in California - a lavish estate modeled after the castle of 16^th-17^th Century Hungarian Countess Elizabeth Bathory – who some believed used to drink and bath in the blood of virgins to preserve her youth.

There, O’Reilly was quickly subdued with a Taser, shackled, and strapped to a wheeled gurney much like the ones being used at Guantanamo Bay to ferry suspected al-Qaeda militants to and from their interrogation sessions.

Similar to Malcolm McDowell’s fate in “A Clockwork Orange” – O’Reilly was then given a brain-jarring psychedelic cocktail comprised of LSD-25, peyote, datura root, several species of hallucinogenic mushrooms, and a paralyzing neurotoxin derived from the Japanese Fugu fish before having his eyes propped open and forced to watch, “The Exorcist”, “The Wall”, “Jacob’s Ladder”, the entire “Left Behind” series, and curiously enough, “Jingle All the Way” with Arnold Schwarzenegger, all in a row.

“We made him watch all those movies all the way through once, and got about halfway through a second time when the spineless little fucker finally snapped,” Novak chuckled wickedly. “At that point, just for fun, we hit him with few cc’s of a powerful laxative they normally only use on elephants and rhinoceroses…is that right? Rhinoceroses? Or is it rhinoceri? Wait a minute, I’m a journalist, I should know this. Oh, fuck it. All you need to know is that meat pie eating sonofabitch is gonna have to wear diapers for at least 2-3 weeks, probably longer.”

The end result of all this, his colleagues say, has been O’Reilly’s humiliating public descent into a classic, jabbering, bad acid trip psychosis to the point where he now believes he has been chosen by God to save Christmas from, “terrorists, secularists and other evildoers.”

“Have you seen him on TV lately?” Coulter laughed. “It’s pathetic. He’s all, ‘I’m gonna take ‘em down…I’m gonna take ‘em down…They’re trying to kill Christmas…Blah, blah, blah’…He sounds like Rod Steiger in “Mars Attacks” – he’s all screaming and shit while they shrink his ass and stomp him to death…all that AND he’s lost all bowel control for the next month? It’s fucking priceless. By the time we’re done with him, he’s gonna wish he was dead.”

More on this story as it develops.

FubarNewsflash: Cheney Cheats Death By Eating Puppies!

WASHINGTON (FubarNews) - Vice President Dick Cheney was brought out of suspended animation again yesterday and attempted to polish the increasingly foul and runny turd that is the Bush Administration and all of its crooked machinations.

A combative and visibly energized Cheney hit back hard at critics who’ve said that Cheney & Bush lied their asses off to justify the war with Iraq.

Cheney’s dapper, bowtie-clad appearance was a noticeable departure from previous public speeches where he seemed pallid, splotchy and almost corpse-like.

Anonymous White House staffers attribute Cheney’s renewed vigor to the Vice President’s new and cruelly disgusting health regimen.

“Nobody would believe it, or would even want to believe it, if they knew the truth about Vice President Cheney,” said one staffer who pleaded with FubarNews to remain anonymous. “You don’t understand, he’s not even human anymore, not since his last operation.”

The obviously terrified young Republican said that Cheney underwent a top-secret medical procedure earlier this year to extend his life far beyond that of the average human.

“Haven’t you noticed that something isn’t right with him? Don’t you people ever ask any questions?” he whispered. “Oh, my bad…I forgot you were with the White House Press Corps.”

“He eats puppies now, you know,” he said, eyes darting nervously about the room. “I swear on my mother’s grave I’ve seen him do it with my own eyes, he unhinges his lower jaw like a snake and swallows the little fuckers whole.”

FubarNews has since contacted the ASPCA. Look for charges of gross animal cruelty to be added to the list of Cheney’s misdeeds currently under investigation.

More on this story as it develops.

Messing with mySpace's ePic-Whores

Greetings all...some of you may notice that, in response to an invitation from an old friend, I recently signed up with mySpace...it's actually kind of clunky, but the one cool thing is that it lets you have a little music player on your home page that will play just about any damn thing you can think of...anyway, ever since I signed up with these fuckers, I have received on average about one email a day from a someone purporting to be a staggeringly beautiful woman who loves my profile, and loves it so much she wants to share nekkid pictures of herself as a show of gratitude...after simply deleting the first few I received, I've decided to start fucking with these idiots like I did with the Nigerians, only with a slightly different twist...so, submitted for your reading pleasure:

Here's what I got this morning from a "girl" named "Kayla:"

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Hello,
       my name is kayla hillis .I have to confess that i really like your profile and i will like to meet someone like you by the time i get back to the state from africa where i grew up from child hood.My parent are from lousianna originally but establish their business in africa before my dad was late.

I am really looking for a God fearing man who will give me all the necessary reception i need.ANd also to put me thru the way of life and love.

Looking forward to read from you.

kayla

+++++++++++++++++++++++

And here is my reply.....

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hi kayla!!!!!

boy!

this mySpace sure is cool...i used to be one of the biggest losers i knew until I signed up here, now in only 3 days i have met 3 beautiful woman who want to be my freind!

so you're lookin for a god-fearing man, eh? and you said you read my profile?

you must not have read all of it because if yu had, you would know that i am most definitly an atheist which, in case you didn't know is someone who not only doesn't fear god, but doesn't believe in him/one either.

i actually used to believe in god until about 20 years ago, when a savage glandular mutation caused me to balloon from a lean 185 pounds (that was how much I weighed in that pic that's on my profile) all the way up to 750 in the space of a month and a half...and just when i thought i had seen the worst of it, all my hair, teeth and fingernails fell out and a bizarre growth began to form on my back...well, i thought it was just a mole or something until it sprouted arms and legs...so  i went to a doctor (actually, I had to call a local moving company to put me on a flatbed truck w/ a crane and haul my fat ass into town) and whaddya know? come to find out it's not really a growth but a congenital twin that somehow never fully separated when we were in the womb together?...it's weird...the doc tells me he has his own brain and is fully aware of his surroundings....so the good part is that now i have a brother! so, I decided to him charlie...he's actually watching me type this right now...or maybe he's sleeping? i never can tell for sure, its kinda creepy. it's cool though because now i have someone to keep me company...he can't really talk, but i am trying to teach him sine language....now if I can only teach him how to play a couple of video games...

so anyway...getting back to the whole not believeing in God thing...ther's no spirit in the sky or angel's wings for me. when i die, i'm going back to the ground from which i came as 750-odd pounds of worm food. boy are they gonna love me!

good luck finding a god fearing man...it shouldn't be any problem, there are actually more of them out there than there are of people like me.

mahalo...

elCynico

Harriet Fights Back

Attempting to fend off the rising tide of conservative discontent over her nomination, a surprisingly feisty Harriet Miers has countered with her own anti-withdrawal petition at withdrawithdrawmiers.org

Still no word on my logo entry though...

Fubar NewsFlash: Cheney Goes On the Lam

WASHINGTON (Fubar News) - With the threat of a possible indictment looming over his head, Vice President Dick Cheney has reportedly commandeered a weapons-capable presidential limousine and is leading local authorities on a high-speed chase out of town.

Witnesses say that Cheney appeared to have been drinking and was openly brandishing Saddam Hussein’s much-prized sidearm that was presented to President Bush after Hussein’s capture last year.

Unbeknownst to many, this is not the first time Cheney has exhibited such unpredictably volatile behavior.

Authorities say that the Vice President is extremely dangerous and is to be avoided at all costs. 

More on this story as it develops.