Ablogalypse Now: O'Reilly's Bizarre Behavior Explained

Conservative pundit Bill O’Reilly embarrassed himself and his supporters yet again this week, and the latest word from the rumor mill is that his increasingly paranoid public outbursts over Christmas are linked to a bad acid trip that has left the pugnacious O’Reilly a shell of his former self.

FubarNews has learned that O’Reilly has been the unfortunate, but understandably justified, object of a drug-laced practical joke carried out in retaliation for a series of humiliating acts inflicted by O'Reilly over the past several months.

Speaking to FN on condition they remain anonymous, fellow conservative pundits Bob Novak, Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh said in no uncertain terms that O’Reilly has “had it coming“ for a long time.

“Revenge is a dish that’s best served cold,” Coulter said. “And it’s high time that shamrock-loving piece of shit started fucking eating.”

Coulter said the three of them attended a wild party at O’Reilly’s Boston estate in the fall of last year to celebrate President Bush’s re-election.

According to Rush Limbaugh, the three were caught off-guard after having had too much to drink and became the unfortunate target of O’Reilly’s long-time penchant for raw cruelty and drunken mischief.

“I honestly don’t know what the fuck happened…it must have been all that goddamned Bushmill’s we drank…” Limbaugh sighed wistfully. “One minute, everything was going great. Me, Bob, and Bill were laying down a mean “Ballad of the Green Berets” on the karaoke, and Ann was just about to show us how she can run a hose down her throat and siphon the acid and half-digested food and shit out of her stomach like that dude in the Jim Rose Circus Sideshow…that’s the last thing I remember, things pretty much went black after that…”

According to Limbaugh, after polishing off a case of Irish whiskey, and the lion’s share of a vile Ecstasy and Oxycontin- laced Everclear fruit punch served in a sawed-off 55-gallon drum, Limbaugh, Coulter, And Novak apparently passed out at some point.

The three later awoke to find themselves stripped naked and duct-taped together in a graphic recreation of one of the infamous human pyramid photos from Abu Ghraib.

“Do you have any fucking idea what it’s like to wake up with a raging Everclear hangover AND Bob Novak’s asscheeks taped to your face?” Coulter hissed, her eyes narrowing to slits. “I’ll never forget that for the rest of my fucking life…can you believe that sick, treacherous potato-sucking bastard O’Reilly actually took pictures of us like that?”

In the months that followed, they say O’Reilly blackmailed each of them to the tune of a million dollars a month, and subjected them to further bizarre humiliations meted out according to his perverse whim.

“He likes to send me stuff - like one of his books, or a favorite necktie - have me pee on it, and send it back to him,” Coulter whispered. “But that’s not the worst of it – he keeps making me, Bob and Rush act out the Gimp scene from “Pulp Fiction” on camera over and over and over again. We used to switch roles to keep things interesting, but then Rush started insisting on being the Gimp every time…that’s when me and Bob decided we’d had enough.”

Lured one night by the promise of free liquor, and a chance to bludgeon a crippled homeless man to death with a baseball bat, O’Reilly showed up at Coulter’s secret seaside mansion in California - a lavish estate modeled after the castle of 16^th-17^th Century Hungarian Countess Elizabeth Bathory – who some believed used to drink and bath in the blood of virgins to preserve her youth.

There, O’Reilly was quickly subdued with a Taser, shackled, and strapped to a wheeled gurney much like the ones being used at Guantanamo Bay to ferry suspected al-Qaeda militants to and from their interrogation sessions.

Similar to Malcolm McDowell’s fate in “A Clockwork Orange” – O’Reilly was then given a brain-jarring psychedelic cocktail comprised of LSD-25, peyote, datura root, several species of hallucinogenic mushrooms, and a paralyzing neurotoxin derived from the Japanese Fugu fish before having his eyes propped open and forced to watch, “The Exorcist”, “The Wall”, “Jacob’s Ladder”, the entire “Left Behind” series, and curiously enough, “Jingle All the Way” with Arnold Schwarzenegger, all in a row.

“We made him watch all those movies all the way through once, and got about halfway through a second time when the spineless little fucker finally snapped,” Novak chuckled wickedly. “At that point, just for fun, we hit him with few cc’s of a powerful laxative they normally only use on elephants and rhinoceroses…is that right? Rhinoceroses? Or is it rhinoceri? Wait a minute, I’m a journalist, I should know this. Oh, fuck it. All you need to know is that meat pie eating sonofabitch is gonna have to wear diapers for at least 2-3 weeks, probably longer.”

The end result of all this, his colleagues say, has been O’Reilly’s humiliating public descent into a classic, jabbering, bad acid trip psychosis to the point where he now believes he has been chosen by God to save Christmas from, “terrorists, secularists and other evildoers.”

“Have you seen him on TV lately?” Coulter laughed. “It’s pathetic. He’s all, ‘I’m gonna take ‘em down…I’m gonna take ‘em down…They’re trying to kill Christmas…Blah, blah, blah’…He sounds like Rod Steiger in “Mars Attacks” – he’s all screaming and shit while they shrink his ass and stomp him to death…all that AND he’s lost all bowel control for the next month? It’s fucking priceless. By the time we’re done with him, he’s gonna wish he was dead.”