FubarNewsflash: Cheney Cheats Death By Eating Puppies!

WASHINGTON (FubarNews) - Vice President Dick Cheney was brought out of suspended animation again yesterday and attempted to polish the increasingly foul and runny turd that is the Bush Administration and all of its crooked machinations.

A combative and visibly energized Cheney hit back hard at critics who’ve said that Cheney & Bush lied their asses off to justify the war with Iraq.

Cheney’s dapper, bowtie-clad appearance was a noticeable departure from previous public speeches where he seemed pallid, splotchy and almost corpse-like.

Anonymous White House staffers attribute Cheney’s renewed vigor to the Vice President’s new and cruelly disgusting health regimen.

“Nobody would believe it, or would even want to believe it, if they knew the truth about Vice President Cheney,” said one staffer who pleaded with FubarNews to remain anonymous. “You don’t understand, he’s not even human anymore, not since his last operation.”

The obviously terrified young Republican said that Cheney underwent a top-secret medical procedure earlier this year to extend his life far beyond that of the average human.

“Haven’t you noticed that something isn’t right with him? Don’t you people ever ask any questions?” he whispered. “Oh, my bad…I forgot you were with the White House Press Corps.”

“He eats puppies now, you know,” he said, eyes darting nervously about the room. “I swear on my mother’s grave I’ve seen him do it with my own eyes, he unhinges his lower jaw like a snake and swallows the little fuckers whole.”

FubarNews has since contacted the ASPCA. Look for charges of gross animal cruelty to be added to the list of Cheney’s misdeeds currently under investigation.

More on this story as it develops.