Cheney Comes Unglued

WASHINGTON (FUBAR NewsWire) - With the Bush Administration now taking more hits than Apollo Creed in Rocky IV, an obviously stressed-out and miserable Dick Cheney yesterday cut loose with the F-bomb during a hostile exchange with Senator Patrick Leahy on the Senate floor.

What wasn't reported in the mainstream news however, was Cheney's disheveled appearance and visibly erratic behavior that preceded the profane outburst.

An eyewitness who asked to remain anonymous told FUBAR NewsWire that Cheney showed up at the Senate unbathed and unshaven, with his shirt untucked and his tie draped loosely around his neck.

The witness said that Cheney's nose was coated in a white powdery substance that was believed to be his heart medication, which sources say Cheney has recently started snorting, rather than ingesting orally as prescribed by his doctors.

Red-eyed and visibly intoxicated, Cheney then produced a small botlle of Gusano Rojo mescal and downed it in one long pull before eating the worm and flinging the empty bottle against the wall of the Senate and launching into a bizarre drunken tirade that appeared to have been inspired by the 1983 movie, "Scarface."

"I neva fucked anybody over in my life who didn't have it comin' to 'im, you got that? All I have in this world is my balls, and my word, and I don't break 'em for no one, jou understand?...."I'm Tony Montana! You fuck wit me, you fuckin' wit da best!""

It was at this point that Senator Leahy attempted to defuse the situation by appealing to the Vice President's sense of decorum and common decency.

"Dick!!! Get a grip on yourself, man!!!" Leahy said as he slapped the Vice President in the face several times. "You're the goddamned Vice President for crying out loud!!! What the hell has gotten into you?? I know things have been a bit rough for you lately but for God's sake you have to calm the fuck down!!!! This is the Senate, and we have rules!!!"

Leahy's appeal fell on deaf ears however as Cheney suddenly rushed at the elder Senator and knocked him to the floor.

"Eh, fuck you, man!"Cheney said as he jabbed his finger wildly at Leahy, "Who put this thing together? Me, that's who! Who do I trust? Me! I don't need him, I don't need her. Everything is roses; I don't need nobody....Why don't you try stickin' jou head up jour ass -- see if it fits!"

At that point, Cheney seemed to become even more enraged and started rushing around the room while howling like a madman and breaking everything in sight.

Cheney then climbed up on a table, dropped his pants and, looking at no one in particular, began urinating on the floor while singing Sinatra's, "My Way."

Then, after draining the voluminous contents of his bladder, Cheney staggered a bit before mumbling, finally, "Say goodnight to the bad guy." and collapsing to the floor in a drunken heap.

Witnesses say that medics quickly arrived on scene and whisked Cheney away to his formerly undisclosed location deep beneath Raven Rock Mountain on the Maryland-Pennsylvania border.